The Semi-Misunderstood Semicolon
(Starring Captain and Tennille!?)
It’s a story that somewhat mirrors the life of Captain Daryl
Dragon. Once a master yachtsman and a helmsman of his own Carnival® poop ship, the
Captain had his life forever altered when his prank-pulling first mate stirred
some PCP into his morning coffee. With PCP onboard, the Captain determined that
he could get to Jamaica faster by steaming his Carnival® cruiser clear through
a small Caribbean island occupied by a Sandals® resort instead of going around
it. He beached the ship, of course, and had to be forcibly removed from its
bridge. (During the melee, the Captain was heard to say, “Don’t tase me, bro!” a
full 25 years before it entered the national lexicon.)
Later, the Captain emerged from his angel dust-fueled rampage
in the empty Sandals® lounge. Drinking Chablis straight from the box, the
now-unemployed Captain, who was also well-known for plying more romantic waters
with a few tickles of the ivories, stumbled over to the vacant piano to console
himself with a melody.
Arriving early to knock back a few Tropical Breeze® daiquiris
prior to her nightly torture fest of torch songs in the Sandals® lounge (where
sandals aren’t allowed after 6 p.m.), singer Toni Tennille heard the Captain pounding
out a rough but delightfully saccharine melody—the very one that would soon
crystallize into the song “Love Will Keep Us Together.” And that is when Capt.
Dragon and Toni Tennille consummated pop music’s greatest union as Captain and Tennille.
Unlike the Captain, however, the semicolon prefers not to be a lounge act with the close parenthesis;
he simply wants to punctuate sentences—nothing more. But before we can grant
him his wish, we must remind ourselves of the semicolon’s proper use. Let the
following rules and their corresponding examples guide you.
Use a semicolon to
join two independent clauses not joined by a coordinating conjunction. Further,
from the Associated Press Stylebook: “…use
the semicolon [within a sentence] to indicate a greater separation of thought
and information than a comma can convey but less than the separation that a
period implies.” For example:
On
account of the idiotic yachting hat he always wore while banging on the piano,
Daryl Dragon drew the nickname “Captain Keyboard” from the Beach Boys’ Mike
Love; because of his penchant for drinking
rum excessively and vomiting on women as he serenaded them with “I Get Around,”
Mike Love got the nickname “Captain Morgan” from Daryl Dragon.
Besides joining two independent clauses, the semicolon also comes in handy within a
sentence containing phrases with other internal punctuation, such as commas.
For example:
The
Captain shipwrecked his music career following an incident on the Santa Monica
Pier involving Alka-Seltzer®, bread, and an unruly audience of seagulls. His
career is survived by his wife, Toni Tennille of Long Beach, Calif.; son, Captain Jr. of Daytona Beach,
Fla.; drinking buddy, Mike Love of
Malibu, Calif.; 341 dorky yachtsman
hats; AM radio; and millions of discarded LP records polluting America’s
landfills, thrift stores, and rummage sales.
(Dear Mike Love and Daryl Dragon, the above story is a work of fiction. I'm broke anyway, so don't waste your time suing.)
Special thanks to Brieann Gonczy.
